Inventory

May. 7th, 2016 11:29 pm
knaveofstaves: A picture of an interpretation of the Knight of Wands Tarot card featuring the Egyptian God Thoth (Default)
I've been going through the usual depressive cycles lately, which is somewhat puzzling considering things should actually be going very well for me. I get to take a pretty rockin' trip to see some pretty rockin' people in a couple of months. I have a job I love, which could dovetail into a job I will love for a very long time. All in all, even considering that my living situation is bad and will continue to be for about another quarter, I should be relatively happy.

So why aren't I?

Well because I continue to run away from myself in stupid ways for stupid reasons. On the bright side, I think I might be in a place where I can acknowledge that improving myself isn't so much about cutting things out of my life (i.e. video games), but rather it's about learning to (somehow) budget my time better. Spending hours upon HOURS playing a strategy game that is more stressful than fun is maladaptive. Taking time now again to play something I haven't played or practice my speedrun is fine. What I need to do instead of wasting my time on games I don't enjoy anymore is REEEEAAAAAAAAAD. Also think about writing. I have a world to build after all, and maybe some short fiction to write if anything pops up.

So what I'm going to do from now is journal about what I've been reading/watching/playing. I need to remind myself at every opportunity what I'm doing to move forward, and the self-imposed obligation to write such reminders down is onus enough to actually move forward. So there it is.

Right now I'm re-reading Hyperion by Dan Simmons. And watching Lost on Netflix. The latter for reasons, I'm sure. At least it doesn't make me want to claw my damn eyes out, like a certian video game that shall remain nameless.

Now it's time to get back to the Poet's tale.
knaveofstaves: A picture of an interpretation of the Knight of Wands Tarot card featuring the Egyptian God Thoth (Default)
Plans he had wrangled
Just were not all that tangled
Were no-ot all that tangled
Fa la la la webs

Another I think that works better spoken. Because text doesn't convey the specific flavor of the beat at "webs". Also I'm dissatisfied with my filler syllable for the second line right now. Okay so it's like a song then. Because somebody, and I'm not sayin' it's me, truly respects the form.

Anyway, I'm seriously considering taking another stab at the post office, job wise. It seems like a slam dunk if I could make it work.

I've finally gotten around to watching Sens8, which I'm enjoying for the most part. It's hard to express in words how much I love Lito.

"Okay there's a Korean lady. And she's not crying the way I'M NOT SCREAMING."
-Lito <3 4evah
knaveofstaves: A picture of an interpretation of the Knight of Wands Tarot card featuring the Egyptian God Thoth (Default)
So it's looking like the plan is to embrace the whole "prodigal student" ... ... milieu.

There's about a million things I could say on the subject as regards my own emotional baggage, or - as I like to call it - my personal bullshit collection, but what it boils down to is the question I asked at the end of the first entry of the Self Actualization Project:

At what point does the inclination toward getting over yourself become the act of it?
In the current "grand design" of get-the-fuck-out-of-latest-horror-job-situation, I've adopted a very "if you can't beat 'em" sort of mentally, which is also stupid and something I've been trying to suppress. I dunno. Maybe there was something in there somewhere where I viewed the expectations of those who bothered to have expectations of me when I was first going through school as a personal attack on my value system and decided the best way to combat that was to launch a preemptive strike on my own well-being. Maybe I just got too caught up in youthful dreams of pulling myself up by my creative bootstraps, whatever. The short of it is, I did not pursue the goals that I set out to pursue. So now it's time to try something different. Maybe "something different" will entail a life plan that works.

My mother has offered to finance half of a four year degree (though the plan is to do it in three years). She's suggested finding a way to make "student" my full-time job: summer school, the whole works. I'm open to that. If nothing else, it's (to steal terminology a friend recently used to describe life experiences) research I haven't done yet.

Though I'd have to do it again given the rhetorical chance, if for no other reason than to repeat the connections I've both missed and made over the last ten years, I'm willing to admit I've done me wrong. That is, after all, what this is all about.
knaveofstaves: A picture of an interpretation of the Knight of Wands Tarot card featuring the Egyptian God Thoth (Default)
The barely tolerable has become crazy intolerable. Let's face it. My job sucks, which is more or less par for my self-hating bullshit course. Now, it's begun to suck at a level I can't put up with. One of my coworkers (of which there are three, not including my manager) quit without notice two days before a managerial change between stores that corporate initiated on what appears to be a whim.

So now the fucking store's short-handed on a team that essentially only has me so the others can get days off. Couple that with the stresses the new manager has to deal with in making the transition and I actually had to issue a pair of ultimatums just to ensure I'd get the days off for the two trips I've been planning for the last two months. Those post-its requesting the days off have been on the back wall that long, and I've had the plane tickets for Boston since a few days before I put them up. It's like, "Yes, I know you just showed up, and I know we're short. No, I am not not going on these trips. You can try to schedule me on those days all you like, I will NOT be here."

Also, my apartment's crawling with bugs and my landlord's been telling me they're going to get an exterminator in in a couple of days for weeks. Also, the a/cs for this complex are wall units and the one for the apartment above me is directly above mine and leaks condensation when it's on, which in a Texas summer is constantly. Now said a/c has begun leaking into my apartment through the window, and I had to reorient my coffee table so the drip wouldn't splatter my books.

Everyone I know that remains in Dallas is far away from me and I have no car. At certain hours of the day, you can't walk fifty feet in my neighborhood without someone hitting you up for money, and today I had to get into an argument at work with a hustler (who I happen to know is also at least a part-time pimp because he offered me some girls he came in with one time) over the store's no solicitation policy. That argument ended when I picked up the phone to call the police because it was apparently the only way that he was gonna holster the attitude and piss well and FUCKING OFF.

And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the people around here believing that my de facto status as a captive audience while I'm at work gives them the right to involve me in whatever impoverished, bleeding heart, alcoholic, be-cool-bullshit pyschodramas they tool around in.

I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE about your crap! Don't ask me for free things. Don't act put upon when I won't let you have something seven cents cheaper because all you have is a dollar. Don't act like I've committed some unforgivable social breach by asking you for i.d. for cigarettes, and especially don't do it for beer. Don't construe me as a lying villain when I tell you I can't break a hundred for a ten dollar transaction. Don't come up to me with your patter that you think is cute and try to convince me that you're charming and lovable.

You are an abstract to me unless you make yourself a problem while I'm on the clock. I am so good at doing register work automatically that I sometimes don't need to make eye contact in order to complete a sale, and I can uphold the image of good customer service based solely on tone of voice. I don't want to be part of whatever epic you think you're singing. It's not you and me against the corporate overlords I slave for. You don't have a part in that fight at ALL unless you choose to make me come down on you to keep up appearances. No you cannot put gas in an empty vodka bottle. Go AWAY.

So anyway: I'm going to have to break my lease and move back to the place of my youth, though not the house. My old secondary parents are going to help me get my life back in line by giving me a place to stay for a little while. I'm probably stuck in my current hellhole for another month and a half, then it's job hunting and trying to stay on top of the writing and reading. I have some fledgling job prospects already, or at least the whisperings of possibilites of such. I'm not really worried there. It's just that when you're working at a place where some of the things you think about on the clock are which knee to take while you hit the panic button as someone on the other side of the glass pulls a gun and which objects inside the booth would be effective as weapons, it's time to make a change.

The horrible Tokyo-gnawing monster of my life right now rears its head at this time. Those of my loved ones who are not artists and do not have artistic leanings view my lack of progress as a writer as an indication of failure. They don't realize that not trying isn't exactly the same as failing. Stupid third decade of my life. I never got the hang of you.

*To the tune of "I palindrome I"
knaveofstaves: A picture of an interpretation of the Knight of Wands Tarot card featuring the Egyptian God Thoth (Default)
It's a little daunting actually, the resilience of my unconscious decision to suck. I fall back into the dominant patterns all too easily. Recurrent depressive episodes at work. Possibly psychosomatic exhaustion on my nights off. Gets a leetle old mon. I've cause for optimism, though.

I mean, other than my natural tendency to be optimistic.

I have reinvigorated my determination to get out of Dallas permanently by way of getting out of it for a week. Exodus isn't a snap decision for me, though. I've matured enough over the past three years or so that I want at least a modicum of financial stability, so:

It's gonna take money. Saved. A lot of it.

Right now, I'm thinking - give myself eighteen months or so. Prolly a little more since I wouldn't want to move up north during the winter. Every paycheck I get that isn't earmarked for paying rent gets five hundred taken out of it and put into savings. After eighteen months, that's nine thousand dollars. I can move on that, and probably have more left over to get me through any transitional period if I can't immediately find a job at a Whole Foods wherever I end up landing. Eighteen months could conceivably give me time to earn some PTO to visit a few of the cities I'm interested in and take a look around. I know I love Boston and Chicago. I think I love New York. It's possible I get along with Philly and Seattle. That's on down the line though. I've more time than I need to conduct auditions (though right now the part's essentially written for Boston since I currently have friends there, but things change so I'm keeping my daydreams open). Saving money isn't exactly something I'm good at, so the very fact of pursuing this goal furthers the SAP. Some changes will definitely need to be made though, so:

It's gonna take making food out of ingredients.

I've never had a knack for cooking, and I don't actually enjoy the process. Both of these things are going to have to change. I have got to learn to subsist on significantly less money than I do. I'm not in trouble or anything, but the undeniable fact is that the man that I want to be? He doesn't live paycheck to paycheck, and he occasionally brings a lady home for the night (another subject for a much later date). And when he does, he's able to fry her an egg in the freaking morning! Possibly there are orange slices and toast and a little vase of porcelain with a sprig of flowers in it or something, I don't know.

"I'm lonely and wish to have sex with interesting people who find me interesting" asides ... ... aside, the cooking thing has been on my radar for far too long. The only reason it's still a hostile contact is sheer frakkin' laziness. Let's just get that out in the open shall we? I'm an incredibly lazy person and it's making me less. Less than I could be.

Okay that's not the only reason. There's also the crazy. Y'see, the thought of actually doing the sort of cooking where you stand at a stove and stir things? Active cooking? Imagining it actually elicits a mild fear reaction from me. Not because of heat or burns or anything, I've actually worked in a restaurant's kitchen. So basically it's because of insane. Big fat heaping loads of it.

It's also gonna take writing. To be frank, there's not a whole lot of reason to make the large changes in my life if I don't make the small (incredibly significant) ones. There's good news of a sort on that front. I've several projects I'm starting to get excited about right now, which is a new development. Inspiration hasn't been an operative part of my life for awhile, so at some point I'm gonna have to jump up on the board and ride the hell right out of that wave.

Otherwise, what's any of it about?

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knaveofstaves: A picture of an interpretation of the Knight of Wands Tarot card featuring the Egyptian God Thoth (Default)
Chad

May 2016

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