knaveofstaves: A picture of an interpretation of the Knight of Wands Tarot card featuring the Egyptian God Thoth (Default)
I'm in this state of quasi-arrested development these days. I made the decision to make a change. I stoned my stupid pride and committed to the idea of going back to school, but now I have to wait through seven months of unproductive crap before I can actually DO it. I guess I could be productive in those seven months (although two of them are gone now and I got jack shit done). I guess I could do a lot of things. I'm fairly intelligent, and if I'd ever stop being fat, I'd actually be pretty fucking hot. The ol' one-two and all that jazz.

Things have gone through a bit of a mixer in the past couple of weeks though. Back on the sixteenth? maybe? my manager told me the transfer I'd requested in like early June or whatever was finally going through and I'd be at a new store more convenient to the area I wanted to move to as of the twenty-third. That spawned an outright flurry of planning and moving and general clusterfuckery that has culminated (as of Tuesday) in me trading the cockroach infested apartment with the rent I couldn't really afford anymore and the job I hated because of the location for the second floor of the house occupied by my de facto second parents, who helped raise me when I was little, and my mom was still working, and a job I'm only indifferent to.

It's all very, "Heh! So THAT happened!"

The return to the suburb of my youth has so far been largely uneventful, but I've only been here, like, a week I think. That sounds about right. A lot of that time went by in a blur while I dedicated my days off to moving out of the old apartment in a somewhat piecemeal fashion.

So now it's back to money woes for awhile, and then I guess it's smooth sailing into three years of schoolin' or whatever. I had to pay a reletting fee as I broke my lease, but it was less than one month's rent so all that really means is I'm broke for three fifths of August while my paychecks catch up to my expenses. The problem there is that my new store is slower and has more people so I only work like twenty-nine hours a week, apparently. That's alright, my rent got cut better than in half and I get three days off.

I've actually taken on a side project exploring the possibility of becoming a gold farmer as a means of generating income while I'm at school. Funny the little twists life takes when you're in the process of earning the right to have standards.
knaveofstaves: A picture of an interpretation of the Knight of Wands Tarot card featuring the Egyptian God Thoth (Default)
So it's looking like the plan is to embrace the whole "prodigal student" ... ... milieu.

There's about a million things I could say on the subject as regards my own emotional baggage, or - as I like to call it - my personal bullshit collection, but what it boils down to is the question I asked at the end of the first entry of the Self Actualization Project:

At what point does the inclination toward getting over yourself become the act of it?
In the current "grand design" of get-the-fuck-out-of-latest-horror-job-situation, I've adopted a very "if you can't beat 'em" sort of mentally, which is also stupid and something I've been trying to suppress. I dunno. Maybe there was something in there somewhere where I viewed the expectations of those who bothered to have expectations of me when I was first going through school as a personal attack on my value system and decided the best way to combat that was to launch a preemptive strike on my own well-being. Maybe I just got too caught up in youthful dreams of pulling myself up by my creative bootstraps, whatever. The short of it is, I did not pursue the goals that I set out to pursue. So now it's time to try something different. Maybe "something different" will entail a life plan that works.

My mother has offered to finance half of a four year degree (though the plan is to do it in three years). She's suggested finding a way to make "student" my full-time job: summer school, the whole works. I'm open to that. If nothing else, it's (to steal terminology a friend recently used to describe life experiences) research I haven't done yet.

Though I'd have to do it again given the rhetorical chance, if for no other reason than to repeat the connections I've both missed and made over the last ten years, I'm willing to admit I've done me wrong. That is, after all, what this is all about.
knaveofstaves: A picture of an interpretation of the Knight of Wands Tarot card featuring the Egyptian God Thoth (Default)
I honestly thought I was past what I sardonically refer to in my head as the "A & P reflex". I'm not sure who exactly I was kidding, but I do have a sneaking suspicion it was me.

My boss decided to pick a fight with me last night for no particular reason. I think it's when he actually referred to the place as a machine that I realized I'd had enough. The implication was that I was a cog in that machine. I tried to explain to him that as a human being I am fallible and incapable of functioning at 100% every single shift. He tried to explain to me that his expectations were perfectly reasonable despite the fact that (though we were getting our job done on a regular basis) we consistently failed to meet them fully. Basically, that was that. I'm having trouble deciding which of us is more screwed right now.

Probably me.

I have enough money to pay for another month of rent after this one. I am going to take at least a week and do basically nothing but read and write. A couple of weeks ago, I realized I'd really rather be able to say that I'd completed a draft of a novel by the time I'm thirty, which is coming up here in two months, so I started a new project that I'm kind of excited about. I'm definitely going to take some time and get that fully underway.

Who knows? Maybe writing could save me from myself.

"If wishes were horses, we'd all be eatin' steak."
-Jayne Cobb


knaveofstaves: A picture of an interpretation of the Knight of Wands Tarot card featuring the Egyptian God Thoth (Default)

May 2016

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