knaveofstaves: A picture of an interpretation of the Knight of Wands Tarot card featuring the Egyptian God Thoth (Default)
Things are ... ... well, yeah, that about sums it up. This past semester wasn't good to me, due in large part to me not being good to me. I flunked cognitive science and had to withdraw from mandarin, in both cases due to systemic truancy. I managed to salvage passing grades in trig and behavioral neuroscience, so nothing's wrecked for now. I'm not going to be able to get into an introductory language course until next fall (thinking about Japanese because anime and manga, and my degree may shunt me into the videogame industry). Also won't be able to retake cog sci until then because that's when they offer it.

I've been getting steadily more twitchy about writing and reading though I haven't actively been doing either, begging the question, "How many ways will I find to hide from myself?" I did free associate the beginning of a sort of weird fantasy short story ... thing the other day. The imagery is pretty raw (think what you get after you pick a scab sort of "raw"), which means it probably doesn't have the sort of legs I want to see walking, but it felt good to get something down.

I'm also continually struggling with a sort of morass of ideas and images associated with my personal obsession with math's nefarious agenda and a character concept that's been stuck in my craw for like three or four years. Early tonight I free associated some rants by the character who is basically a fly-by-night philosopher obsessed with the notion that the human condition is essentially an unsolvable problem about which it is both impossible and mandatory to draw conclusions. What isn't helping is that the words don't ever stick, or - more accurately - they always feel more fluent before I put them down. Observe:

If entropy is the adversary, then senescence is one of its lieutenants. It is irrational to expect the individual to give itself over, without exception, to the good of the group. It is also irrational to believe that if such was the case, it would not come at a price. As long as we remain the fleeting sparks that we are, we will amount to the barest cosmological hiccup. We cannot plan for a future from which we are excluded. We shall continue to lack the axiomatic virtues both of foresight and patience. Lacking these, we shall never be at peace. It isn't a total loss. Conflict can be constructive on a small scale, and ours is only a civilization of billions.

It's a manifold problem. Can I use "manifold" that way? Rarr. Mostly, I don't actually have him nailed yet. Also I think he may actually be some sort of neo-nihilist right now, which is contrary to the original concept. Also also, he sticks to the roof of my brain because he's a spokesman character who disagrees with me, and that's challenging to write. Also also also, I'm fairly certain he's a self-acknowledged and devout hypocrite in there somewhere.

I've been pretty obsessed for the last few years with the phrase "the primacy of large numbers".


knaveofstaves: A picture of an interpretation of the Knight of Wands Tarot card featuring the Egyptian God Thoth (Default)

May 2016

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